Friday, 16 September 2005

Reckless moments, desperate measures

I read this tragic news in the Malaysian papers and felt quite ill and sad. It is the one about the teenage boy who was said to have stabbed his pregnant teenage girlfriend. Its a nightmare for every parent. And I thought long and hard before writing this one. Afterall , I am a parent too.

For the rest of my life I will never erase this image from my mind, even if I tried.

I had settled the week old baby in the baby seat, specially bought for the black cab, fastened the seatbelt and kissed him for one last time. Then I turned to the mum, barely a child herself. After much coaxing, I persuaded her to give her baby one last kiss, before he was taxied off with a nurse to his foster parents outside London. She did. And for the first time, I saw big fat tears rolling down her cheeks. For the first time, I saw the bonding but it was too late cos she had made the decision.

It was her decision and nothing would move her. She wanted to give the baby away. She had just emerged from the denial phase that she did not give birth and was not pregnant. She thought she was just fat and was eating so much jeruk and slimming pills to slim down. When I first saw her, her young face registered nothing. If there was such a thing as nothingness, that was it...on her face. The baby in the cot next to her could’ve been someone else’s cos when I asked her about the gender, she didn’t know.

For once, my job as a freelance whatever sucks! I hated it when I was called to interpret for this young Malay girl who had just given birth. I got too emotionally involved and knew so, as day after day, I went back to the hospital and fed and changed the nappies as his own mother wouldn’t do so.

Finally, I was asked to ask her what she wanted to do with the baby...and her reply was, to give him up for adoption. That posed the question of the rights of the father, whoever he was. After much coaxing, she gave a number and the hospital called the boy who was totally in the dark about the whole thing. Totally shocked that he was already a father. But no denial here.

Again, when I asked his views about adoption, this child said – whatever the girl wanted, he would respect her views. Would he come and see the baby? No, he was at school.

It must have been desperation that drove her to ‘hide’ away from her family and come to London as a student. It must have been desperation too that she was taking slimming pills knowing that they could induce miscarriage...which in her case, thankfully, did not work! But it is still a question mark whether she shared her secret with the boyfriend.

Whatever it was, it must have been a great shock that called for desperate measures. And if the newspapers reports about yesterday’s news are correct, the action was certainly a desperate one. And a tragic one.

At the end of this whole sorry saga, which lasted just a week, I was left an emotional wreck. I had become attached to the baby and watching it being ferried away to the home of a stranger, just broke my heart. I stood a long time by the road side, after the taxi drove away with the baby and just cried.

Then, there was tension at home. My husband thought we should have adopted and I said, there was no way we could afford to and with me being involved like this, there was no way, I’d be qualified. "

Imagine, brief moments of reckless pleasure that could end up so, so tragically!

36 comments:

k.d said...

that is so true k teh..and young kids nowadays..the batasan dah tak de..and it is so scary to bring up a girl into this world..but parents can only give the right didikan and advice and tawakkal that they'll be alright..especially being a student myself here 10 years ago here in dublin..seen it all..budak melayu muslim pakai tudung gone astray..friends can only do so much..

MakNenek said...

:( such a sad story. ada orang nak anak tak dapat, yang ada anak buang pulak. kat sini, a friend told me, those unwanted babies from unwanted pregnancies can be deposited into some kind of box in the hospital after birth, anonymously. the mother and child will have no contacts with each other after that. kononnya, to 'help' the babies, so that they will be cared for in other homes... but tak ke dorang fikir.. kalau lah later terkahwin adik beradik sendiri????

MA said...

oh kak teh - you have no idea how seram sejuk I baca the news. Having kids - both boy and girl, mmg it is a parent's nightmare. Pulak tu bila baca that the girl in question had no family problems - very close dgn mak bapak. ferried to/from school - yet this thing happens.

Minta-minta jauhkan dari keluarga kami, amiin.

Lydia Teh said...

Sad, sad, story. We must tell our kids this equation :

1 minute of pleasure = 1 lifetime of responsibility.

Jane Sunshine said...

This is sad. The teenage girl will bear the scar of this event for the rest of her life - she may behave as if it is all honky dory but she needs help. I hope that your own emotional entanglement will ease, that it will blur into an image from the past.

I would however take a different stand on the adoption- I think it is the better decision as I cannot imagine the woman-child being capable of taking care of the baby. If the baby gets into a good foster home, she/he will have a fighting chance for some decent life. If.

apples4me said...

Oh God Kak Teh...just from your description I could feel the emotional involvement you're in...So far I haven't had any case with that in school...but we used to have a schoolmate whose case appeared in the news..well don't want to get into the details but...we felt sorry for the baby...but I think these days it's getting from bad to worse..

At present some NGO's are lobbying for abstinence awareness among teenagers, here...During my time it was against abortion. Those images still remain in my mind..

Nadia said...

aiii....so sad....siannya...i hear stories like this tapi cam tak percaya because i cannot imagine it actually happening. it's scary. betul jugak ye maknenek, kot terkawin adik beradik naya je.

it's so messed up....

Kak Teh said...

thank you all for the comments and the concern.

bibliobibuli said...

Goodness ... that's such a tragic story Kak Teh ... glad you told it.

anggerik merah said...

Kakteh, it really touch my heart. Still remembered few years back I said to my maid, I wish one day I woke up and somebody left baby in front of my gate..then I can hold him/her as my own. I said that when there were so many incidence in Msia the newly born babies were left near dust bin etc...For a person like me who waited for so long to get one, those babies are very previous.

Kak Teh said...

sharon, I tend to be too involved and its usually to late to take a step back.
anggerik merah, I am so touched by your coment. That is so true - abt what maknenek said as well. Ada orang yang buang pada hal banyak juga yang menanti2 nak menimang anak. Insyallah, bila ada rezki, ya!

anggerik merah said...

kakteh, at last I got one boy (now I called him my little man - just turned to 9 yr old last month) after waited for 8 years. Recently I provoke him that I want to adopt brother/sister for him but he refuse. Wud rather have his own sibbling. Thinking of too late for me to go thru the process again. Note: enjoy reading yr blog..

Lollies said...

I think I would be the same too Kak Teh. I was talking about that with my lover. what if someone left a baby at our doorstep. what would we do?

Sebab regardless what the parents did, the baby..ahh sedihnya. Babies really can affect us.

Kak Teh said...

anggerik merah,aaah! Alhamdulillah - sorry - I just assumed! They can be a joy - so precious! Insyaallah dapat satu lagi!!
lollies - the circumstances that drove them to do these! yes - its true -its the poor innocent babies who suffer.

d'arkampo said...

kak teh,

Wild World

Cat Stevens

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Chorus

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Kak Teh said...

PO, it is, isnt it? a wild wild world!

anedra said...

that's just so sad. SO many out there are trying so hard, and yet some, are given babies so easily and yet, cannot/do not want to keep them.

How do we teach our children about this? A parent can only provide the awareness and the education, as much as possible. In the end the decision is in their hands, isn't it? Let's just hope this doesn't happen to our own.

Kak Teh said...

anedra,we can only hope and pray that our guidance sink in. Yang lainnya serah kpd Tuhan suruh lindungi dr segala2 yang tak baik.

CikNi said...

tak tau nak cakap apa kak teh

OOD said...

sigh,

*selepus termenung beberapa ketika* i dont know what to say.

I hope you have healed, hope the girl has healed too and her baby is somewhere with a family that wants and loves him.

Kesian. Semuanya jadi victim.

Ewok said...

am very sad reading the stories.

MamiJarum said...

It is really sad to hear this! What Lydia say its true... 1 minute of pleasure = 1 lifetime of responsibility... I see too many single young mothers in the UK, as young as 14... What were they thinking? They grow up too Fast...

Sunflora said...

KakTeh you get too emotionally involved because you are a compassionate person who have the capacity to feel for other people. Not everyone is blessed with that capability. Although sometimes it feels more like excess baggage than a gift. But that makes you all the more special.

This news was one of those topics I wanted to blog about but didn't have the time. Thanks for sharing the story. Of course there is a part of us that wants to do the good deed of adopting that baby, but the responsibility of it all? But what if the baby doesn't grow up as a Muslim?

Anonymous said...

Hi
This is indeed very sad torment but yet very widely heard off.
I like to read ur blogs...We have met long ago time, when you came to my house with Dena parents....don't know if you still remeber me....
Rose

Kak Teh said...

CikNi and OOd - memang, Kak Teh pun mulanya tak terkata, but these are issues that need to be addressed. There's no point standing on high moral grounds when things have happened. At the end of the day, it is the fate of the innocent child, kan?
ewok, I dread reading stories like this..but they do happen and make headlines.
mamijarum - yes - they are called the schoolmum brigrade, I think.
SF - exactly - that was the great turmoil raging in my head!
rose: how can i forget you or yur wonderful family -all those delicious food and hospitality!

iJun said...

Sedih! Do you keep tissues in your handbag when you're working?

izawani said...

Kak Teh..

I know the feeling masa tu... Saya ada anak angkat (4 tahun)... (tapi dan dia pun dah ada adik, setahun..)

Cuma sekarang ni, saya tak pasti camna nak cakap kat dia tentang ni suatu hari nanti... dan mengenai muhrim, aurat dan segalanya... that my risk to take... arghhhh...

Kak Teh said...

ijun, lots of coklat and tissue!
izawani, i think this is an issue which is being faced by a lot of people - how and when, kan? Kak Teh rasa bila sampai saatnya, dia terpaksa diberitahu juga, sebelum orang lain yang beritahu.

RedKebaya said...

ntah laa KT as humans sexual awareness ni natural.. tapi i guess kena di iring bukan saja dgn pendedahan agama tapi kepekaan terhadap realiti kehidupan. klu boleh bukan saja beri nasihat kpd anak2 tapi share the experience & skill in handling attraction, sexual overtures and the likes.

Macam life skills gak tapi sedihnye, apart from the sexual education yg lebih mementingkan the biological aspect, sekolah/college tak ajar plak pasal relationship & parental skills. kita semua trial & error jer and sadly for some of us, yg lebih banyaknye error.

shidah said...

this is one of my mother strong views. she is so afraid anything like this ever happen, bila dengar je anak2 ada girlfriend boyfriend, her next question is, bila nak kawin? and i'm glad i did as sadly to say many of malaysian students are living together abroad :( sama-sama la kita doa tak jadi to anak2 kita. amin.

Anonymous said...

KT,
I had a terrible experience once upon a time back in Msia of a similar kind of thing.

A close friend/couple got into trouble, i.e. the girl got pregnant, and we were tearing our hair out on what to do next.

Then, one Saturday (then we worked half day), he called and asked me to come urgently; she was not well he said. 'Tolong beli sup, etc etc'...coz he had to go somewhere. I did, and rushed to her house on the other side of KL from my workplace in Ampang Point.

When I got there, he had already left, she looked weak and poorly. They just aborted the baby at a clinic....and holding a plastic bag of soup and other food, I stood speechless.

We've never talked about it since...

Kak Teh said...

anon, like you I never talked about it until now. what can you say or do? There are lots lunch time clinics here offering this kind of services, alas!
redkebaya, i think as a society, this subject is still considered taboo. Strange considering the kinds of things we and our children are exposed to now. We are so ill-equipped to handle this.
shidah: memang bila kita dengar mak cakap macam tu - kita bengang, but its true. and we cant keep ignoring what is actually happening.

OJ said...

Sorry, off-topic...but I just went to SentraalStation, very cool :-)

Since I can't post comments there without signing up dgn blogger, have to do it here. Kak Teh tak nak put links into the map ke? It's quite easy to do! If you need help let me know lah.

Kak Teh said...

OJ, thanks for dropping by! and yes, it'll be wonderful if we could put links on the map . will take up the offer..and can i link you there? pleaseeeee!

CikNi said...

kak teh, kak teh, where art thou? for I miss you so

5xmom ~chanlilian.net~ said...

Kak Teh, Whenever I drop by, I know I always go back with a softer heart. What you wrote just touched me so much.